LaColombeDeDeuil

Seek for me not where the wild flowers grow, nor where the Hawthorne blooms, find me now where the snow drifts graceful and low, where meadow blooms lie like I, now dried against cold stone, having been choked out by thistle of silence that hast in such a chill wind flourished so, linger with me in meadow's flush with Madam Winter's blush, find in me a frail voice of softness like snow falling, an old music, a different poetry, a dream of  dance hast found its birthing in me, played out on the melodic chords of a harp tis a haunting symphony, for once I was but an Angel of Shadows, ah but no more, now I am thus and becoming so much more so, finding again true loss of passion's pains and desire burning deep recesses in my soul. Ah will  I rise again.  






A Quote from Queen Kaylia Merrick of the Mystical Isles

Whispering on the softest night breeze
Warmed by the gentle dawn's wishes
Filled with passion that burns as the sky
Saturated with the fire of the stars
Wafting ore you as you stand on a moors gleamin'
You put a spell on me, and I returned the favor with this enchantin'



For all of my friends on DA please know I am not ignoring you. I have suffered a stroke brought on by the untreated pain from the accident I had in a Jeep Cherokee. I am doing my best but my right side is basically in-useable.  Please be patient and I will get to you all as I can and as I recover. THANK YOU ALL for your support.

Katti






This piece below was written by my pen's master, my wizard of Kimberling, one of the dearest soul-mates I have. Mistress of Dreams -enjoy. love always to my friends and watchers. katti
the black winged one


Mistress of Dreams

A full moon rises high above
illuminating the night
a warm breeze enters through my window
blowing the curtains
as I prepare to find some rest.

Mistress of dreams
arrives upon a gentle wind
bring her visions to my sleep.
Mistress of dreams
so close beside me
her words excite my senses.

Oh tell what will you bring this night
tonight to see the beauty or the beast
a fairy tale's delight or nightmare's fright
the ecstasy of a love remembered
or the heartache of a love departed.

Mistress of dreams
arrives upon a gentle wind
bring her visions to my sleep.
Mistress of dreams
so close beside me
her words excite my senses.

And yet come the morning
I awaken to an empty room
where all is forgotten
no memories remain
Of all the visions you had brought.




  MAY 21, 2016

Well the novel Illusion of Life is out! It can be found on Amazon.com www.amazon.com/Illusion-Life-K… and at Barnes and Noble online www.barnesandnoble.com/w/illus…. The PDF will be ready in about one week and a half they tell me. As soon as the E-Book is out I shall insert in here the ISBN numbers for each edition. It has gotten some good reviews! Also the publisher is doing a separate website for me and that will also be added here! I do want to thank you all for your continued support and also for your faithfulness to my work! Please all take care!

Katti 




- slashes bleeding out red - life dripping on the bed - wings molting from white to black of death - I will never trust and let these walls crack again. love is a curse most fierce - to hold it as I do in your heart is a course of rapids most severe - to be held responsible for what you could not avoid - ah sour is the taste -








  "Walk daily as if it were the last day of your life, for we cannot discern what the fates will allow to color the sands of time, be they white, be they a muted pastel or a ebony that dips to nothingness, that shall quickly slip by in Mistress Time's Glass. For you will it be the almost white of a moment of purity promised or will it be the blood red stain of life's precious flow set to be put into motion as an ebbing out of us? Who knows by what steps either by foot placed, word spoken, thought put into a deed will be the straw that causes the beat of the soul to stop and the heart to shout out with death's whispered tone, "I give! Oh sing the song of a dying warrior"  

Seek for me not where the wild flowers grow, nor where the Hawthorne blooms, find me now where the snow drifts graceful and low, where meadow blooms lie like I, now dried against cold stone, having been choked out by thistle of silence that hast in such a chill wind flourished so, linger with me in meadow's flush with Madam Winter's blush, find in me a frail voice of softness like snow falling, an old music, a different poetry, a dream of  dance hast found its birthing in me, played out on the melodic chords of a harp tis a haunting symphony, for once I was but an Angel of Shadows, ah but no more, now I am thus and becoming so much more so, finding again true loss of passion's pains and desire burning deep recesses in my soul. Ah will  I rise again.  




A Quote from Queen Kaylia Merrick of the Mystical Isles

Whispering on the softest night breeze
Warmed by the gentle dawn's wishes
Filled with passion that burns as the sky
Saturated with the fire of the stars
Wafting ore you as you stand on a moors gleamin'
You put a spell on me, and I returned the favor with this enchantin'





April 7, 2015

TORNADOS! I HATE TORNADOS! And it is not over yet. Lost my internet satellite pole, my cable satellite pole, the shed it was on and the end of my house. One of my dogs is dead and my nerves are shot. I am only alive because a neighbor whose house is basically a tornado shelter gave Truffles and I shelter. And we are in for another round this Wednesday night, all day Thursday and Thursday night. My computer crashed and I am getting used to Microsoft 8.1. Why is it every time Microsoft changes it changes for the worst! So yeah Spring is here and along with it its gentle breezes!

always,
katti





This piece below was written by my pen's master, my wizard of Kimberling, one of the dearest soul-mates I have. Mistress of Dreams -enjoy. love always to my friends and watchers. katti
the black winged one


Mistress of Dreams

A full moon rises high above
illuminating the night
a warm breeze enters through my window
blowing the curtains
as I prepare to find some rest.

Mistress of dreams
arrives upon a gentle wind
bring her visions to my sleep.
Mistress of dreams
so close beside me
her words excite my senses.

Oh tell what will you bring this night
tonight to see the beauty or the beast
a fairy tale's delight or nightmare's fright
the ecstasy of a love remembered
or the heartache of a love departed.

Mistress of dreams
arrives upon a gentle wind
bring her visions to my sleep.
Mistress of dreams
so close beside me
her words excite my senses.

And yet come the morning
I awaken to an empty room
where all is forgotten
no memories remain
Of all the visions you had brought.






- slashes bleeding out red - life dripping on the bed - wings molting from white to black of death - I will never trust and let these walls crack again. love is a curse most fierce - to hold it as I do in your heart is a course of rapids most severe - to be held responsible for what you could not avoid - ah sour is the taste -








  "Walk daily as if it were the last day of your life, for we cannot discern what the fates will allow to color the sands of time, be they white, be they a muted pastel or a ebony that dips to nothingness, that shall quickly slip by in Mistress Time's Glass. For you will it be the almost white of a moment of purity promised or will it be the blood red stain of life's precious flow set to be put into motion as an ebbing out of us? Who knows by what steps either by foot placed, word spoken, thought put into a deed will be the straw that causes the beat of the soul to stop and the heart to shout out with death's whispered tone, "I give! Oh sing the song of a dying warrior"  

Seek for me not where the wild flowers grow, nor where the Hawthorne blooms,find me now where the snow drifts graceful and low, where meadow blooms lie like I, now dried against cold stone, having been choked out by thistle of silence that hast in such a chill wind flourished so, linger with me in meadow's flush with Madam Winter's blush, find in me a frail voice of softness like snow falling, a new music, a new poetry, a new dance hast found its birthing in me, played out on the melodic chords of a harp tis a haunting symphony, for once I was but an Angel of Shadows, ah but no more, now I am thus and becoming so much moreso, finding again true loss of passion's pains and desire burning deep recesses in my soul. Never shall I rise again.

Whispering on the softest night breeze
Warmed by the gentle dawn's wishes
Filled with passion that burns as the sky
Saturated with the fire of the stars
Wafting ore you as you stand on a moors gleamin'
You put a spell on me, and I returned the favor with this enchantin'




June 3, 2012

  Well, after everything that all the fates could throw at me the novel is done and ready to go to publication. They have great faith in how it will be received. It will be available in an 5 1/2 x 8 hardcover with a dust cover holding the cover art. The same size paperback is also going to be available. It will also be available for download onto kindle or pc through over 2500 online distributors as well as in the stores, Barnes and Noble, The Book Nook, Walmart, and Target. I will be doing book signings in several cities, and the advertising of it will be on TV, Radio, in Newspapers, and magazines. I so hope that all of you that have waited for it will enjoy it. I have been contracted for four sequels already.  So I ask your forgiveness for not being here to contribute and let my heart's flow pour out in words to spark passion, blow a gentle wind of compassion, take you on a flight of dreams or just spark you enough to give you a single thought upon which to ponder.
  
  I said above in the poetry words I wrote as part of my introduction to all my journals "Never shall I rise again." Well I have and wings so glorious but not on my own. Dear dear faithful friends have kept in touch with me, encouraged me, listened to my tears, silenced my fears with words of such depths of true compassion that the shadows would flee. I thank one in particular, he knows who he is, he has never failed me nor forgotten me. Bless you my Pen's Master, My Wizard of Kimberling. Thank you also my faithful umpire who has never called me down and out. To you goes my heart. And sweet sweet southern man, who holds me in his prayers, I am coming soon. So to all the rest of you that have continued to support me and watch me my thanks goes out to you from my soul's depths. You are cherished.

I shall begin writing and trying manipulations again soon. I have a fantasy novel I began on here and it shall be continued once more as well as the collaboration between and I on our fantasy work.

  Last, but by all means not the least, CONGRATULATIONS! to and his new bride. To you I dedicate now my poem "Rapture Captured".  May your joy always increase and may all your raptures always be captured.

  Thank you all again for your faithfulness and support!


love to all,
katii









August 3, 2011

This piece below was written by my pen's master, my wizard of Kimberling, one of the dearest soul-mates I have. Mistress of Dreams -enjoy. love always to my friends and watchers. katti
the black winged one


                                  Mistress of Dreams
by *wizillusions     

Mistress of Dreams

A full moon rises high above
illuminating the night
a warm breeze enters through my window
blowing the curtains
as I prepare to find some rest.

Mistress of dreams
arrives upon a gentle wind
bring her visions to my sleep.
Mistress of dreams
so close beside me
her words excite my senses.

Oh tell what will you bring this night
tonight to see the beauty or the beast
a fairytale's delight or nightmare's fright
the ecstasy of a love remembered
or the heartache of a love departed.

Mistress of dreams
arrives upon a gentle wind
bring her visions to my sleep.
Mistress of dreams
so close beside me
her words excite my senses.

And yet come the morning
I awaken to an empty room
where all is forgotten
no memories remain
Of all the visions you had brought.

1-21-06

Seek for me not where the wild flowers grow, nor where the Hawthorne blooms,find me now where the snow drifts graceful and low, where meadow blooms lie like I, now dried against cold stone, having been choked out by thistle of silence that hast in such a chill wind flourished so, linger with me in meadow's flush with Madam Winter's blush, find in me a frail voice of softness like snow falling, a new music, a new poetry, a new dance hast found its birthing in me, played out on the melodic chords of a harp tis a haunting symphony, for once I was but an Angel of Shadows, ah but no more, now I am thus and becoming so much moreso, finding again true loss of passion's pains and desire burning deep recesses in my soul. Never shall I rise again.

April 27, 2011

     I have been flooded with all kinds of notes and comments. Most of which have been supportive of what I am enduring.
I feel it is time for the total truth about where I am, how I live and what circumstances I endure everyday. First of all I live in an area of Missouri they call 'no mans land". Why? Well it is simple, there is no cell phone service available out here in the true rural area of Ozark County where I live. In order to receive cell phone service I have to drive 20 minutes to where route 5 meets interstate 60 and then if the cloud cover is not too bad I can get service.  So this means when my home phone goes out, I am out of touch with everyone. Including the ambulance and emergency services that often right now I need due to my Conversion Syndrome if it kicks in and I begin to have a seizure. Even if I have home phone service the nearest ER room is 55 minutes away even by ambulance through mountain roads both dirt and paved with no shoulders, so they cannot go the speed they need to go. If the first responders feel that I need to be air lifted, I am that bad, and that has now happened numerous times, they need to take me by ambulance to the nearest flat field that the helicopter can land on and that is ten minutes away. Ten minutes of me arched in a total position of maybe breathing, maybe not, till I can get to the helicopter that then flies me 35 minutes to Springfield MO and the major trauma center there. On board they make the decision whether I need to have a tracheotomy or whether an oxygen count of 95 percent will be okay as it drops till they get me there. My pulse goes from 68-72 to 168 and rising in a total of five minutes during this time. I won't even talk about my blood pressure. The Conversion Syndrome causes me to have stroke like symptoms including those of paralysis of my face, my hands, my legs, and then I go through the wonderful experience of my body beginning to shut down. My kidneys like to go first, then my liver begins to poison my system by pumping bile through it. All in the short time it takes me to get to the trauma center. Once there, I am rushed through iv's being put in, oxygen being administered, medications through ivs to stop my seizures and also some to slow down the adrenaline that is causing the high pulse and blood pressure. It is there that in my mind I begin to believe I may live through this experience. Trust me I cherish each day. The Conversion Syndrome is part of my Complex PTSD and if you read my previous journal you know the symptoms I have and the treatment I am trying to go through. And I am going through all this by myself.

  As for therapy, out here in the poorest rural county in the state of MO where I live there is one therapist per 250 people. So instead of the weekly therapy I truly need I get it once a month. One time a month I get to grieve over what happened to me that took away the life I had and changed it completely.  I see a doctor once a month for medications. My therapist is a one hour drive, my regular GP is the same and my pain doctor is two hours one way away. It is not the care I need to recover so I am in the same state as when I arrived and not truly improving.

  Now in answer to those of you that are loving and supportive thank you. I only have dial-up available to me out here so there are times I don't even have internet. I appreciate totally your understanding and compassion.

  In answer to those of you that say I never keep my promises and that things "never change" I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances that I have. When I try eighteen times to return an overseas phone call and cannot get through because the lines out here are so out dated that I can't I keep trying till I can. I am not breaking a promise, I am merely at the whims of the area I am in. For those of you that say things never change, well you know, I truly wish at this time they would change. I  wish I was close to medical help. I wish I did not have to call the crisis line out here four times a week to get support and find someone to talk to to keep me from from having a stroke. I wish I had the right kind of therapy so I could get over this mess this hospital and the doctors and the er nurses and the icu psych ward caused illegally. i wish they had not caused me to have a total nervous breakdown. I wish that those that said they loved me understood better what it is truly like here.  I wish I could click my heels and go home. But I have no home, not really, for I do not feel safe here and I need to feel safe. I do not have love and support here and I need it. Why don't I leave? Well, it would be nice to IF I had a place to go to, but no one in my family has offered me one. They just don't get it. Like many of you. So I am writing this journal through tears, because I have such pain I carry with me everyday, physically, emotionally, that it is almost crippling. And the stress I have I have been told from what happened to me makes me 50 percent more stressed than the average person when I get out of bed in the morning. So I have to take medications and sit in bed for one hour till I can get up when they take effect. For pain - for adrenaline rushes so I don't have an episode of PTSD.
  
   So when I talk on the phone to those that call, there are those that I mask my symptoms because I know they would never accept the real me right now. Just like a lot of my family. And the reason I get is because it hurts them to see me like this. Well what the hell do they think I am going through! PAIN!!! Hellish PAIN!! Nightmares that I wake up screaming from. Nights when I cannot sleep because I am so triggered I cannot relax enough even with mediation to sleep. So -

  This is just the surface of what I am going through right now. And if it were not for my Faith and the knowledge that the Higher Power of my Lord that I believe in loves me, I would not even feel human, not that I feel totally worthy of that now.
I am sorry if this sounds like whining, I do not intend it to. So for those of you out there that support me I thank you. For those of you who cannot understand and call me a promise breaker, one that does not change, and a lier as some of my own faith have called me only to turn on me when they said they never would, know that I pray for you and for your souls, that the Lord will be merciful to you when He begins to teach you true compassion. Also know that I forgive you, truly forgive you, and bear no grievance against you for I know the full grace of forgiveness and the power of it. And if you cannot accept me now then stop with the notes that say I have not changed or I break promises because it breaks my soul, because I am so weak I am only able to survive.I am doing the best I can. Stop calling me one that lies. Those of you that are Christians and doing so need to step and look at your lives. Who are you to judge me? I find no where in scripture that gives the power to do so, so I pray the Lord will be be merciful and you will never know the pain I have from having been thrown into hell.

  One of these days, after this first novel that is going to be published I am going to write my life's story. Already I am speaking to abused women and helping them find strength when I have none. I am working with addicts to help them break the habit and to do these things takes all the strength of my heart, soul and spirit. I am totally depleted when I come back home.

  There are those of you that call and I do not answer your messages for days. The reason is I am so isolating that I do not even want to pick up the phone and speak. I am afraid you will hear how weak I am. I am afraid you will hear my pain and judge me.

  What I have written I have written from my heart, and I do not mean to hurt anyone. But I have been torn in two by some of the things said to me when people do not take into account what I am doing and going through. DO YOU REALIZE I HAVE FOUR YEARS OF WORK AHEAD OF ME AT LEAST TO RECOVER! Could you please cut me just a little slack?

  I cannot see the keyboard through my tears so I must go. I have written from my heart and put out some very hard truths here. Please forgive me if I have hurt. I do not mean to. I am being honest and to even write this has cost me so much pain. Thank you to those of you who remain my friends. I love you and cherish you.

THE BLACK ROSE
katti

Seek for me not where the wild flowers grow, nor where the Hawthorne blooms,find me now where the snow drifts graceful and low, where meadow blooms lie like I, now dried against cold stone, having been choked out by thistle of silence that hast in such a chill wind flourished so, linger with me in meadow's flush with Madam Winter's blush, find in me a frail voice of softness like snow falling, a new music, a new poetry, a new dance hast found its birthing in me, played out on the melodic chords of a harp tis a haunting symphony, for once I was but an Angel of Shadows, ah but no more, now I am thus and becoming so much moreso, finding again true loss of passion's pains and desire burning deep recesses in my soul. Never shall I rise again.



January 27, 2011

WELL! Since I made it back before the end of January 2011, I can wish all of you a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now, where oh where has Katti been? Home, working hard, very hard on getting better and going through. Some of you will get the going through part, some of you won't, but the whole thing is I made it through! So I get to blow my own fan fare! I am entitled, my therapist said so! Am I laughing? Yes! Best therapists I had were Truffles my eight month old Standard poodle that is in the picture with me of me in the yard, and the horses and the other dogs and the PUPPIES! More puppies!
Beautiful wonderful loving caring Standard Poodle puppies that have all gone so far to special needs homes! I could not be more thrilled! I suppose it is having to be around me that makes them so used to people with certain needs. They are now only eight weeks old and I only have two left out of eight! Okay enough of the boring stuff now for the good stuff!

I am featuring an artist in this journal that deserves all the featuring he can get. He is not only a fantastic photographer but does wonderful other mediums as well. So here are some of his works and PLEASE go visit him! He is worth the trip through the gallery and a watch on top of that. So here is the art of - enjoy!



This is but a taste of his work. I hope it causes you to seek out the genius that exists in him.

Love to all my Friends and Watchers!

Katarina



February 17, 2011

Hello all my friends and watchers! Well, it is that time as Spring begins to show her form ever so slightly on the horizon of the seasons that I must begin to tackle those forms of Shadow that haunt me still. So most of my posting will be on my other account now as I now step onto that path. Alone. Alone but for the candle that I hold in my hand and for the other candles lit by those on DA that have ALWAYS supported me and continue to do so. So if I am not here I will be there. And if I am not there :iconlonpathhome: I will be here! So pray for me, light a candle for me that I may not loose my way in the madness as I go to walk through it and on to the final light. I shall be posting the definition and process I am facing. If for no other reason so you will understand what I and so very many others suffer from everyday. Bless you and and and , , , ,, and his beautiful love, - well the list could go on and on, but thank you for being there. Especially, and most especially for without either there would be no Kaylia, or Marika, or any of the other characters in my books and tales that keep me grounded. Thank you all.

My Love,
Katarina
the Black Rose

APRIL 17, 2011

I am enclosing the following to help those of you understand why I am so silent these days and why even if I don't answer your comments or thank you for your favs, they are deeply appreciated and read with love.

                              Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms and Method of Diagnosis
                               Recommended DSM diagnostic criteria, per Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman,
                                                                  c1992 by Basic Books.

Definition:
  A history of subjection to totalitarian control over a prolonged period
  (months to years). Examples include hostages, prisoners of war,
  concentration-camp survivors, and survivors of some religious cults. Examples
  also include those subjected to totalitarian systems in sexual and domestic
  life, including survivors of domestic battering, childhood physical or sexual
  abuse, and organized sexual exploitation.


  Alterations in affect regulation, including:
  1.  persistent dysphoria - *Never
  2. chronic suicidal preoccupation - *Never
  3. self-injury - *  I allowed others to inflict injury on me
  4. explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate) *  - extremely inhibited anger towards offenders
  5. compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate) * - extremely inhibited sexual intimacy  for periods of extended time


  Alterations in consciousness, including:
  1.  amnesia or hypermnesia for traumatic events - * Hypermnesia always present
  2.  transient dissociative episodes – *Disconnect from everyday life and go to safe place
  3.  depersonalization/derealization  - * Depersonalization - I don't see myself as a worthy human
  4.  reliving experiences, either in the form of intrusive post-traumatic stress
       disorder symptoms or in the form of ruminative preoccupation - * I suffer the first
        symptom more than I suffer from the second

  Alterations in self-perception, including:
  1.  sense of helplessness or paralysis of initiative - *  both active
  2.  shame, guilt, and self-blame - * all now active
  3.  sense of defilement or stigma - * both now active
  4.  sense of complete difference from others (may include sense of specialness,
       utter aloneness, belief no other person can understand, or nonhuman
       identity) - * Utter Aloneness, Believe no other person can understand me fully in any way, Feel loss of humanity as far as feeling human goes, loss of innocence present in everyday


  Alterations in perception of perpetrator, including:
  1. preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator (includes preoccupation
      with revenge) – * more like preoccupation with staying as far away from them as I   
      can  - fear of doctors, er's, police officers, nurses, therapists, ICU Psych Units. Reg Psych Units
  2. unrealistic attribution of total power to perpetrator (caution: victim's
      assessment of power realities may be more realistic than clinician's) - * Yes there is a
      definite reason I see for this.
  3. idealization or paradoxical gratitude - * I do not idealize him, I FEAR them! And all                
      like them now.
  4. sense of special or supernatural relationship - * Only supernatural qualities I attribute
      to any of my trauma perpetrators is they supernaturally have escaped the mental
      system thus far. I have no supernatural relationship with them
  5. acceptance of belief system or rationalizations of perpetrator - * Yes, in cases of
      spousal abuse after psychological indoctrination, and now that er's, psych units, er doctors
      etc. are not there for me anymore.


  Alterations in relations with others, including:
  1.  isolation and withdrawal  - * Both
  2.  disruption in intimate relationships - *yes, lack of trust in others, limited associations, very limited.
  3.  repeated search for rescuer (may alternate with isolation and withdrawal)
  4.  persistent distrust - *yes, my distrust lasts the same everyday
  5.  repeated failures of self-protection - * I believe that even though I tried to defend myself
and tried to employ the laws out there to do just that but they did not care to listen to me as the patient nor to any  real law that I knew.


  Alterations in systems of meaning:
  1.  loss of sustaining faith  - *Not in my God but in the system and in what I  was taught
       to protect me - I was taught use the er's, the doctors, the nurses, the police, not anymore, I refuse to trust them at this point
   2. sense of hopelessness and despair - *constant, I live in that state everyday. I fear my life has been changed so drastically I will never get it back, and I am fighting to keep my nose above water.

***I have here also indicated on this more complete analysis of symptoms those that I have and to what extent.***
                                                                                 


                                   Treatment of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Treatment of Complex
                                                             Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Herman (1992) divides recovery from CPTSD into three stages: establishing
safety, remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and reconnecting to society.

Before this work can begin, a healing relationship must be established; Herman
believes recovery can come only within a relationship and only if the survivor
is empowered.

Stage One:
Establishing safety
This stage is further subdivided into a series of tasks that must be
accomplished in order for the client to feel safe in therapy. First, the
therapist and client must name the problem. This involves not so much making a
formal diagnosis as acknowledging the trauma and its past and present effects,
both mental and physical.

Next, one must restore a sense of control to the client. This begins with control of the body: controlling physical symptoms by balancing diet, exercise, and sleep and by getting the client appropriate medical care, including medication where it is indicated.

Finally, control moves outward to establishing a safe environment: setting up support networks of caring people, helping the client to protect him/herself from any physical
danger they may face (particularly from an abuser), and developing a plan for
dealing with for future protection, one that takes into account any self-destructive behaviors the client engages in. This includes such things as setting up no-harm contracts (or procedures in case of harm), establishing sobriety, etc.

Herman cautions that there's not easy way to tell when this (or any) stage of
recovery is complete. The first stage in particular is demanding; therapists and
clients must be careful not to push on until safety is well established. Herman
states that when the client has regained some trust in herself and her
environment, when the therapeutic alliance is good, and when the most disturbing
symptoms are controlled and the client knows which people can be relied on in
times of crisis, it is reasonably safe to proceed.


Stage Two:
Remembrance and mourning
The second stage is also divided into sub-stages.

First, the client must reconstruct the story of the trauma. Many times, traumatized person have never been able to put it all together and make it into a narrative. During this
stage, a sense of continuity with the past is reestablished. Herman stresses the
importance of, in this stage, retrieving both the memories and the emotions
attached to them; this corresponds to the view of some practitioners that
free-floating anxiety can be "emotional memories" that have somehow gotten
unstuck from the memories of the events during which they were experienced.
When the narrative reconstruction is complete, Herman says, the traumatic
memories must be transformed using flooding/exposure (as in cognitive therapy)
or testimony techniques. Finally, the losses that resulted from the trauma must
be mourned fully. Only when all of this is accomplished is the second stage
complete.


Stage Three:
Reconnection

The final task for a trauma survivor in Herman's model is to "reclaim her
world." The client must create a future by re-learning how to live. The first
step is learning to defend him/herself, learning to fight for what is important
and to protect her/himself. Reconciliation with the self, identifying and
appreciating what is positive about oneself while recognizing and accepting the
negatives, follows. Then comes reconnecting with others -- becoming part of a
community. Herman also recommends finding a survivor mission -- some work to add
meaning to life.

Herman notes that even after these steps are complete, the trauma may never be
fully resolved; she considers recovery to be a lifelong process. However, at
this point, it becomes on of many factors in a client's life and not the
dominant one.

This is what anyone with Complex PTSD and Conversion Syndrome must do for recovery. This is what I am doing now and why at times I do not answer your comments. But know I love you all.

ALWAYS,
kATARINA


"And thus on black petal wings, do I this plane of reality depart, flying with a fragrance sweet into those meadows and finally forests of thorns and hemlock. Trust I not on but these wings and the wee candle that I in one hand doth bear, to guide, to light, to beat back the Shadow and guide me down the Long Path Home to a meadow of heather, where I may lay my head down and rest upon wrapped wing, with memories no longer so darkly present as to haunt even my most sought after golden dreams, darkest memories shall as leaves fall with the touch of Autumn's end to their haunting. And finally lay them to rest under the white mantle of snow, snow as beautiful as woven white lace that doth the bottom of Lady Winter's gown decorate. Then, in contrast, dressed in gown of gossamer weaving in every color of flower of Spring, shall I arise to move once again, a newborn, a babe with freshest mind's restoration out onto a plane of true life and happiness, that shall with each dawning come to birthing."