A Dream Only of Love

~~ For most of us love is what we find in our lives, but there are a very few of us, that even if we try, because of how we have been 'taught' by others who do not know the true meaning of love, we find that when we do give of our selves finally completely, we still do things out of fear that those on the the end don't understand. They don't see past the fear to the reason why, that to finally find a love that is true, can scare us to act in ways we don't get ourselves out of protection of our heart and hopes that forgiveness will be there. But no matter why or whether we are wounded acting out of self preservation, most people turn away, in protection of themselves. This is entirely understandable, but they can more often than not leave behind a wounded person that can be more devastated than at the beginning of it all and can react in ways radical. We can only pray at those times that they do not go back behind their walls, build them truly impenetrable, and choose never to emerge again, believing again all the tapes they had thrust at them before the love they saw as redemption bringing them into the world as worthy. There is a guide to forgiveness, it is found in a book that I treasure, but it requires that we forgive as we wish others to forgive us. How would you wish to be forgiven? Is that the was that you do so? I have learned a lot in the past two months, sitting in a wheelchair, seeing my life alone, truly alone, I have seen how people react to people that are not whole and even perfect. I want to forgive as I want to be forgiven. As my Teacher taught me, with all my heart, and to put it as far away from me as I can and go on the next day as it never happened. He did it, He says I can do it, I believe Him, it is that simple, yet we still hurt each other everyday. I am speaking here of people you love, not those that abuse you. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Conversion Syndrome - it I have found has made me apparently a difficult person to love and forgive. I bear no grudges towards anyone, I cannot and believe as I do. I just have to accept where I am and realize, sometimes what horrors others have inflicted on us, as I had inflicted on me, can cause us to be well, too wounded at times when it flairs and to difficult perhaps to love. IT is a hard realization to accept as I improve and cast aside my wheelchair to move on in my healing. A healing I might add is the result of an incident at the hands of some very horrific people. So when all is said and done, and I am ready to move on, I will pack my few belongings, put up a gate to the walls around my world and keep myself from wounding others with fear. I will still create and write, I have to. This is not directed towards any one person, please understand that, it is the result of hours of study and prayer and understanding finally how wounded I am and how I am one left to my own understanding.~~


always,
katti
a humble poet



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